I am feeling that I am slowly start to lose myself. I dont know but I feel like I am not myself right now. I am feeling like me right now is shaped by peoples and things around me, it is the environment surround me that influenced me so much without any control or limit. I study because that is my purpose here, in an educational institute. I read because other people around me also read, I do enjoy reading but sometimes it just talks of mine, not actually doing the reading and I do struggles at times in reading. I do sports also but it is also because of human being.
Honestly I really hate to write or talk about my flaws. I have such big ego that is hard for me to accept my flaws. Thus, it is hard for me too, to mend all the mistakes and wrong things about me. It has being my everyday struggles to cope with this thing. I feel like I lose myself bit by bit. And it worsen day to day
It also shows that I am slowly far from Him. Most of times, I avoid to do reflection as I know it is all my fault for not being a good human being in serving Him. And my dependence of all things has been on humans. I expects a lot from human instead of Him. I crave love and attention from human, I work very hard to satisfy human and to fit in among human, without realizing that I should give everything and crave everything is for and from Him. That shows how shallow my mindset and principle. I dont do tawakkal nor effort, even easily giving up things is just a norm lately. Gratitude and patience also rarely comes to me in many occasion.
Realizing that, and I keep on making the struggles harder for me. Finding my purpose in this life in order to find myself is damn hard. O Allah, I do seek your guide and grant me gratitude and patience in order to go back to You. I really hope that by writing this here and pour everything in my sujood give an ease at my heart at least. O Allah, all I wanna to is to be a good human being striving to be a better me day by day. I know if this is the best thing to be happened upon me, You know the best. Wallahualam.
x.
