You know it is hard to be a person with low confidence level. I would rather doubt with everything that comes out from my mouth. Especially when I'm talking about myself. "I am a bla bla person. And I dont like bla bla bla and I also love to bla bla ". Then later I would regret what I spoke earlier. Cakap and bebel sorang-sorang, "asal doh aku cakap macam tu", "Kenapa aku cakap camtu tadi", "What the hell of ayat aku bagi tadi". Salah susun ayat lah, guna perkataan tak betul lah, sampaikan kadang-kadang aku rewind flashback balik apa yang aku cakap tu dan cringed and goosebump all over my body. Selalu tanya diri sendir why I'm being like this. Low self-esteem? or being an introvert, open up myself and talk about myself (brag or talk bad) are not the preferable one. I dont like to expose myself to others. But sometimes I had this feeling to share things about me like, "hey, dulu I was bla bla bla", "I like to bla bla" you know, like talking about yourself to your friend. Ironically, bila dah buat then being insecure balik. Asal doh dengan aku ni? Penyakit apa tah.
Same goes when replying messages either on SNS or Whatsapp. I would retyping over and over again before click on send button. Too insecure when constructing the sentences lol. I dont know what causing this thing but this is one of my complex as human being. Yaaa as I said, maybe it caused by my low self esteem or maybe I just not good with words. I guess as I rarely socialize, talking to people and I fail to communicate well. I dont know if it only me. Or everyone in this world is experiencing the same thing?? Then I'm saved kahkah. And me voicing out this thing here also make me look like an immature girl right now huh. Or is this because I'm a girl? Are those girl out there had this kind of thing too?? Are they?? Nahh I think it is just me. Maybe my life fated to be hambar like this *nangis tepi bucu katil*
I would say that I'm usually not good with words. Expressing myself is too mainstream thus I choose to just follow the flow. I admit that I have that hati kering which I dont easily moved or emotionally triggered. Orang kata takdak perasaan and lack of common senses kah. I know that this is not a good thing to be practised but it is in me for 21 years already and I'm seriously trying very hard to fix it. Old habit die hard. To those points where I just googled, "how to have confident in myself", "how to speak well". Penatlah jadi seorang amni, konflik dalaman tak sudah haih
And I will have too much regret after publishing this post lol
But at least taklah serabut dalam kepala *but this is not cool meh*