Friday, May 11, 2018

Lost and Found


I am feeling that I am slowly start to lose myself. I dont know but I feel like I am not myself right now. I am feeling like me right now is shaped by peoples and things around me, it is the environment surround me that influenced me so much without any control or limit. I study because that is my purpose here, in an educational institute. I read because other people around me also read, I do enjoy reading but sometimes it just talks of mine, not actually doing the reading and I do struggles at times in reading. I do sports also but it is also because of human being.

Honestly I really hate to write or talk about my flaws. I have such big ego that is hard for me to accept my flaws. Thus, it is hard for me too, to mend all the mistakes and wrong things about me. It has being my everyday struggles to cope with this thing. I feel like I lose myself bit by bit. And it worsen day to day

It also shows that I am slowly far from Him. Most of times, I avoid to do reflection as I know it is all my fault for not being a good human being in serving Him. And my dependence of all things has been on humans. I expects a lot from human instead of Him. I crave love and attention from human, I work very hard to satisfy human and to fit in among human, without realizing that I should give everything and crave everything is for and from Him. That shows how shallow my mindset and principle. I dont do tawakkal nor effort, even easily giving up things is just a norm lately. Gratitude and patience also rarely comes to me in many occasion.

Realizing that at the same time I know this is wrong make the struggles harder for me. Finding my purpose in this life in order to find myself is damn hard. O Allah, I do seek your guide and grant me gratitude and patience in order to go back to You. I really hope that by writing this here and pour everything in my sujood give an ease at my heart at least. O Allah, all I wanna to is to be a good human being striving to be a better me day by day. I know if this is the best thing to be happened upon me, You know the best. Wallahualam.


x.


Tuesday, January 3, 2017

It is just me? *not a new year entry lols*

Assalamualaikum..

You know it is hard to be a person with low confidence level. I would rather doubt with everything that comes out from my mouth. Especially when I'm talking about myself. "I am a bla bla person. And I dont like bla bla bla and I also love to bla bla ". Then later I would regret what I spoke earlier. Cakap and bebel sorang-sorang, "asal doh aku cakap macam tu", "Kenapa aku cakap camtu tadi", "What the hell of ayat aku bagi tadi". Salah susun ayat lah, guna perkataan tak betul lah, sampaikan kadang-kadang aku rewind flashback balik apa yang aku cakap tu dan cringed and goosebump all over my body. Selalu tanya diri sendir why I'm being like this. Low self-esteem? or being an introvert, open up myself and talk about myself (brag or talk bad) are not the preferable one. I dont like to expose myself to others. But sometimes I had this feeling to share things about me like, "hey, dulu I was bla bla bla", "I like to bla bla" you know, like talking about yourself to your friend. Ironically, bila dah buat then being insecure balik. Asal doh dengan aku ni? Penyakit apa tah.

Same goes when replying messages either on SNS or Whatsapp. I would retyping over and over again before click on send button. Too insecure when constructing the sentences lol. I dont know what causing this thing but this is one of my complex as human being. Yaaa as I said, maybe it caused by my low self esteem or maybe I just not good with words. I guess as I rarely socialize, talking to people and I fail to communicate well. I dont know if it only me. Or everyone in this world is experiencing the same thing?? Then I'm saved kahkah. And me voicing out this thing here also make me look like an immature girl right now huh. Or is this because I'm a girl? Are those girl out there had this kind of thing too?? Are they?? Nahh I think it is just me. Maybe my life fated to be hambar like this *nangis tepi bucu katil*

I would say that I'm usually not good with words. Expressing myself is too mainstream thus I choose to just follow the flow. I admit that I have that hati kering which I dont easily moved or emotionally triggered. Orang kata takdak perasaan and lack of common senses kah. I know that this is not a good thing to be practised but it is in me for 21 years already and I'm seriously trying very hard to fix it. Old habit die hard. To those points where I just googled, "how to have confident in myself", "how to speak well". Penatlah jadi seorang amni, konflik dalaman tak sudah haih

And I will have too much regret after publishing this post lol

But at least taklah serabut dalam kepala *but this is not cool meh*