#152211

When you feel the deepest humbleness. When someone is asking about something that you don’t feel like to talk about.You just want to avoid everyone at those  time. I don’t know somehow now I've been developing a phobia being in crowd. I don’t have any idea why. I just afraid to face people, talk to them, being ask about my whereabouts.  Whenever being with peoples, I feel the nervousness and my words sound scattered not clearly uttered. I lost my confidence to utter the words. My mouth freezes. Maybe because of the humbleness ? Being in my situations and story, I don’t know whether people will understand me. But I some what don’t need their attention to understand me. When being out there, I feel like I'm being  judged as a unfortunate person. I feel people sympathize me whenever I told my story to them. This is the reason why I tend to lie when people ask about myself. I am not always please with the sympathy that they give me. I wish people would stop showing their sympathy to me. Instead of that, I wish they would not comment anything about me. Just leave me struggling to pick the pieces of me that was scattered  to move forward. Stop sympathizing me instead I wish they pray for God so that He give some strength to face all of those thing that happen in my life. Because when you being in the "down" part of you life, you will feel the worst feeling ever. I found it was so hard to accept the reality. The truth hurts me. I don’t know la but maybe it is just my perception to them. My paranoid thinking about them. Because my head sometime filled with those bad thinking. Then, my mind full uncertainties. I am not sure whether I will manage to stand up again. My spirit and motivation just fragile, easy to break whenever I feel like I cant do this anymore. 

But I somehow trying the very hard to keep awake and standstill on my feet although I know it is not easy.

another randomness huh

Dia memang.

Kalau time esok or lusa ada exam,

Memang dia menggatal nak buat benda lain,

Bukak blogger dashboard lah,

Tiba-tiba nak blogwalking lah,

Tiba-tiba ada idea nak update blog.

Tiba-tiba nak google pasal pokok yang baru jumpa kat kebun tadi lah,

Tiba-tiba nak kemas bilik lah.

Memang.

Dah lama dah aku kenal.

Tak ubah-ubah.

Susah nak ubah ni.

Sebab tak dak strong will.

Mohon kuat.

kbye.

What my table look like just now.

Greatest gratitude.

Throughout my life, as a twenty-year-old-lady, I have met a lot people. Macam-macam jenis orang aku pernah jumpa.

Orang yang aku annoyed dengan dia.
Orang yang aku rasa tak masuk dengan aku.
Orang yang baik, sangat baik dengan aku.
Orang yang hebat, sangat hebat dari aku.
Orang yang inspiring aku.
Orang yang aku belajar what is wrong and what is right through their behaviour.
Orang yang aku bagi bad first impression kat dia.
Orang yang buat aku balik ke pangkal jalan.

Contoh, aku pernah jumpa yang hebat, sangat hebat. They have the best self management, high motivation, best job, best education and semua tip-top lah. And they are close to me, like belajar dalam course sama, buat benda sama. Dorang ni tersangatlah hebat sampai aku fikir, kenapa mereka-mereka ni berada di sini, among us, sama dengan aku, kat tempat yang aku boleh kata not a good one la. I mean, they shouldnt be here, they should be in better place than here. Sampai tak boleh nak brain why they are here.

Same goes bila aku jumpa orang yang tak sama preferences dengan aku. Aku annoyed with them, complain all things about them, ngumpat belakang dorang. Sebab semua benda aku dengan dorang tak sama. Pemikiran tak sama, the way we express ourself tak sama, behavior pun tak sama. So, often berselisih pendapat. Kenapalah mereka-mereka ni tak duduk bawah satu bumbung dengan mereka-mereka yang have the same preferences with each other?

And I have met the kindest human being. They are kind of yang put other first, then baru diri mereka sendiri. Oh My God, tersangatlah saint sampai consider orang lain dulu than diri sendiri. Their life full with act of kindness. Semua orang nak tolong, while tolong orang tu pun they even tak rasa terbeban pun. Aku kadang-kadang kalau nak tolong orang tu, fikir banyak kali dulu baru decide nak tolong.

And I walk and walk and walk, then think and think and think. Barulah realize all those human beings that exist in my life are giving me something, showing me something and teaching me something. So that I can get something, see something and learn something in life. Because they, secara tidak sengaja are our life.

I learn to do kindness from kind people, I get to know what is wrong and what is right to do when I act, I learn how to behave, I learn to be considerate and patient with the people that annoyed me, I learn to get motivated from those great people. Annnddd I learn that all the people around me are giving me something that I can use to live as complete human being with good virtue. And of course, they surely show or give me things, even just simple things.

Aku sedar dari manusia-manusia inilah aku belajar. From the smallest to the biggest. The most important part is, I learn how to be grateful, really really grateful yang manusia-manusia ni ada dalam hidup aku. Jangan fikir nak cari dia punya buruk je. everyone is unique in their own style. And bila aku jumpa manusia-manusia semua, aku akan pastikan aku belajar something dari orang tu, even perkara kecik-kecik je.

This is my greatest gratitude to y'all.

Terima kasih. Thank you. Grazias. Adios. xoxo

Hey guys

Guys, right now I feel like to write so hopefully I will finish this as soon as possible. Taklah tersimpan kat draft je kan. Thinking back, I already own this blog for about 6 years. Its all began in 2009 when I was in form 2. I started to blog in the age of 14 when we were asked to sign up a blog when studying ICT subject at school.

This thing was unintended at all. I was nerd, intimidate, introvert and what so on personality of a boring person. Haha. Tak menarik langsung hidup aku dulu. Eleh sekarang pun apa kurangnya.

Looking back, honestly I didnt make any significant improvement or whatsoever big changes since I started this blog. Semangat nak berblog tu turun naik turun naik kadang kadang tenggelam terus. Sometimes, I have a lot of things to write about but it ended I forgot all that things. Mostly, I get the impromptu and awesome (welll I can say it awesome) ideas during shower,ah well then totally lose them when I finish with the shower. Sia sia brainstorm time shower end up lupa.

I blog just because I want to. Its kind of fun to do this thing because it makes me think, think and think. It helps me express myself but when I do it, I do get a little attention and it was sooo awkward honestly. Sebab tu kalau nak publish something personally, fikir hundreds times dulu. Because I have the thing that I dont know what you called it but I called it attention-phobia. I do think attention is good because it helps to build your confidence but being a attention seeker is a big NO ahaa.

Its been 6 years, but why my published entries was so little? Because I deleted some of them. Why? Because some of them are the immature side of me. They were the past of me. Me in the past is the one that I dont want to get back, because I knew I lack so much back then. So, dont judge my past and know my present will be the best. It will, malu gila kot kalau korang baca entry entry lama dulu, zaman jahiliah dulu well tak nak , so by deleting them I boleh move on hahaha.

p/s : I'm soryy if my language kind of tunggang langgang. Jetlag tak habis lagi baru balik hostel naik bas tadi dari rumah.

Janji Si Tanggang.

Kita.

Kita manusia.

Kadang kadang saja nak menggedik.

Nak jadi Si Tanggang.

Bukan setakat kadang kadang, mungkin selalu.

Si Tanggang yang lupa akan asalnya.

Si Tanggang yang lupa akan janjinya.

Janjinya yang satu.

And [mention] when your Lord took from the children of Adam - from their loins - their descendants and made them testify of themselves, [saying to them], "Am I not your Lord?" They said, "Yes, we have testified." [This] - lest you should say on the day of Resurrection, "Indeed, we were of this unaware." (7 : 172)

“Dan (ingatlah), ketika Tuhanmu mengeluarkan keturunan anak-anak Adam dari sulbi mereka dan Allah mengambil kesaksian terhadap jiwa mereka (seraya berfirman) “Bukankah Aku ini Tuhanmu?” mereka menjawab, “Betul (Engkau Tuhan kami), kami menjadi saksi”. (Kami lakukan yang demikian itu) agar pada hari kiamat kamu tidak mengatakan, “Sesungguhnya kami (Bani Adam) adalah orang-orang yang lengah terhadap ini (keEsaan Tuhan)”. (7 : 172)

Acah acah MJ time pegi hiking pun boleh

Degree Life, ByeBye Home

I'd been mumbling and rumbling some of my thought and rumbles here but I forgot to update my current life that I'm living right? Haha. Kind of, I don’t know. Maybe I'm just doing good and there's nothing to be complained. Yaa like kalau ada complain baru membebel kat sini kan.

I'm starting my degree now. Having myself ready for another 4 years here and a lot of upcoming to be expected. So far my life is good. Oh yaa I'm adapting nicely here. New friends here and there and it suits me. I love this as I like to meet new people each day. It's been a month okay my degree life started. Fuhhh Alhamdulillah so far I'm surviving. 

Haha actually its kind of sad. Had 3 months honeymoon at home rasa macam tak nak start degree. No more things that I'd been done at home. And no more Hawai Five-0, Grey's Anatomy,CSI,NCIS, no more The Reagans! Oh myy I cannot move on from that. Dah hari-hari layan Blue Blood dah overly attached dengan The Reagans. Okayy all I've been watching is AXN. Dah takde channel lain haha.

So, forget about that and pray hard so that I will have a great time here. A lot of new things and its kind of unexpected some time.

And to all my friend yang just walk into degree life, mohler kita sama sama enjoy it as much as we can. Good Luck y'all.

A recently decent(sebab yang lain tak senonoh) picture of mine at my Kuliyyah . Finally managed to snap a pic there.

Falling.

There was once in your life, you fall and hit rock bottom. You hurt. A lot. Like  a deep cut with nonstop bleeding. And seem that you cant find the way out of it. You cant think the solution anymore. You thought that no one can help you. You though it was your fault. Your confidence scattered. Your self esteem hit the bottom.

I was,once in that situation, recently. And it hit me hard. I cant think of any way that can solve it. I cry, cry and cry. Almost everyday. Thinking what is happening to me. Trying to figure out why this happen to me. Was it my fault for not doing my best? Was it already being written as my destiny?
Was it? And too many was it

Trying to get back on the right track is easier said than done. I've done everything that I could. I tried this and that. Make me did a lot of thinking.

But all I had gone through were nothing but true experience. The experience that taught me a lot of thing. Proved to me that our life is like a roller coaster. Taught me who are the person in me.

Forget all the bad things and start anew.

 *This post is the old one, just decide to publish it hee

Paranoia.

I know the are many wrongdoings of me. I know I have been wrong to people. And I know it all about my attitude. 

Honestly, I don’t know myself. Back to people how they view me. I know there are people who had bad impression of me and I know some people had good impression to me.

 Life kind of hard because we care too much on how people think of us right? I don’t know why I'm taking this thing seriously, well, ermm not so seriously but whenever I'm thinking to do some things, I tend to imagine what will people think of my acts.

I don’t know why but maybe it is because of my paranoia? Many said that don’t care of what people talking about you as you are living your dream, not theirs. 

Honestly, for me it is the hardest thing I have to do. It is hard to ignore people's words.

Hurt.

Paling sedih, when now, you just realize that something is actually so much precious to you when it already gone. Too much regret in me. But I know regretting something tak ke mana mana jugak. 

Sometime it took times, yaa a lot of time for me to move on from regretting things. Even I have to lie to move forward. Lying that I'm okay and everything gonna be fine soon.

Sumpah, that thing memang susah and a lot of thoughts have to  be rationalized. 

But, when you lied and start to forget about it, you know that tomorrow will be different and better. Well, the past can hurt you, but you can either run from it or learn from it. 

Yet I know learn from the past is hurt, but that the way I see it.

This is hard meh.

It is holiday everyone.

It had been a week.

Yeah I'm homeeeee !! teehee. Just got the internet laju to update this thing. haha. One thing that I miss when I'm leaving CFS is the unlimited and super fast internet Alhamdulillah. Now, have to stay up late to use the internet. The perks of being in kampung lol.

And now, I'm being the laziest people at home. haha. Been planning to do a lot a lot of things but havent strart anything yet. hmmm typical situation experienced by students in hols. Mereput je koje. And didnt plan to share my list-to-do here because I'm afraid that I'm not going to fulfill it kyaaa tak aci camni.

Well, I just want to get inspired this holiday. I'm still not sure whether my holiday will be a short one or a long one. just wait and see. But my ultimate motive this time around is to get inspired in everyone or everything that I will encounter in my daily life. Well, we, human tend to not appreciate the moment we are facing right. We tend to appreciate or inspired or realize it only after it pass or gone right. So, I made promise to myself, always take something from everything that happen around me and inspired from it.

I'm always curious what will happen next as it will be totally different from what I had imagined. Trust me, it will be different from what you were planned or imagined.

See y'all.

Kedengaran bacaan Al-Mulk through the speaker. Because my room only at level 2, every ayah can be heard clearly from my compartment in the room.

Okay, this gonna be the last Al-Mulk yang aku boleh dengar setiap malam kat Gambang.

Okay, I am going back to Kelantan tomorrow.

Okay, tonight is the last night I'm here.

Too many memories.

Too many friends.

Too many things.

Too many.

Too many that I have to leave.

For the sake of a change.

Goodbye guys.

See yall.

p/s - I think I am gonna make few entry for this purpose, My LOVE for CFS IIUM Gambang hheehe

It's my fault by the way.

Today, I realized that we could not trust everyone easily. Before taking any action, I must think wisely what the consequences when I decided to take that action. I was fool enough to make myself to be taken for granted. I was stupid enough to just do the work that assigned to me even though I was not supposed to do that work. I knew that was wrong but I didnt voice it out, just kept it inside me and hope that others will understand my situation. Then, I realized that others will not know what actually is happening until you tell them about it. So, that was my fault who believe that human will understand each other just by their instinct. But no. Every single things need to be voiced out, explained in a best way in order to others to understand. Because humans are busying to understand themselves until they had no chance to understand others.

Then, eventually, I failed to do the works that assigned to me. And it ruined everyone that involve in the work. That was my fault. For being such an irrational person. Like. Ever. So, in the next time, express your feeling and opinion well Amni.

It is destined to you

These days, keep telling myself,

"You have to accept what is happening to you now. Please accept it as Allah has destined it to happen. Nothing can change it. The only thing that you can change is the future. There are two things about the past, whether you run from it or you learn from it. Get over the past and move on. And build new dream. I know that your heart stumble upon thinking about it. But please, keep strong. Pray for your heart to be strong. Get ready to answer those upcoming questions. Brace yourself. Pray to your God,pray to Allah that He may give you the utmost strength to cope with this. I know your mind is saying,its okay,I can get through this. But your heart still not completely recover yet. "

Kalah.

Kalah.

Aku kalah dengan dunia. Aku kalah untuk fight back high expectation orang lain terhadap aku. Aku gagal to kuatkan diri aku untuk ignore that expectation. I was not wise enough to handle that high expectation. I failed to look on their faces and say,"I am sorry that I cannot meet your expectation because I am also a normal human being". And now, I fell. I fell down to the extent that my future on the verge. I, maybe have to give up my dream. I fell down to the extent I hurt so much from it. I fell down to the extent that I claim that world is being cruel to me. Everything that I want, didnt go to the right way that I want. I questioned. I wailed. I cried out loud. I'm not in my right mind.

And what left for me? Just me. Myself. Nothing other than me. No one know my failed fight. No one know my defeat. No one know my suffering. I am crying inside of me. Crying. Crying. Crying every second when I am reminded of my failure. Too many questions that are made in my mind. Made by myself. Question me why those thing happen to me. Eventually, I'm end up with dead end.

And now I'm searching for something to stand on my feet after the fall. Searching something that can lend me a hope. A hope that can take my hand and stand. A hope that will say, everything has the reason to happen. I'm searching for something that can wake me up. I'm searching for the answers to my questions. Come to me. Help me.

And I pray that one day, I will found it. And I know I have to believe on it. I know it can help me. I know it have those answers. I know. I know that I can wake up with it. I know I can pick up my mess through it. I know. and I believe on it.

And just one thing that I want from you. Just pray for me. Pray for me so that it will well for me. For that, I thank you.


...................

p/s: nothing need to be assumed from it. just self-thinking bila blank tak dapat buat tuto math. chill la bro.

Humanity.

Assalamualaikum and holla guys and girls

Just wanna share you this story. Last night, I was in IIUM Kuantan attending the Closing Ceremony of Palestine Week. And there was a wonderful recitation from a sister (I forgot her name). She recite a poem that was written by a Canadian-Palestinian journalist, Rafeef Ziadah. Subhanallah, that was a much inspiring poem. And I was like, nanti balik kena cari yang original punya. Then, I found it and I really want to share with you guys. Enjoy and Feel it. Smile.

"Today, my body was a TV’d massacre.

Today, my body was a TV’d massacre that had to fit into sound-bites and word limits.

Today, my body was a TV’d massacre that had to fit into sound-bites and word limits filled enough with statistics to counter measured response.

And I perfected my English and I learned my UN resolutions.

But still, he asked me, Ms. Ziadah, don’t you think that everything would be resolved if you would just stop teaching so much hatred to your children?

Pause.

I look inside of me for strength to be patient but patience is not at the tip of my tongue as the bombs drop over Gaza.

Patience has just escaped me.

Pause. Smile.

We teach life, sir.

Rafeef, remember to smile.

Pause.

We teach life, sir.

We Palestinians teach life after they have occupied the last sky.

We teach life after they have built their settlements and apartheid walls, after the last skies.

We teach life, sir.

But today, my body was a TV’d massacre made to fit into sound-bites and word limits.

And just give us a story, a human story.

You see, this is not political.

We just want to tell people about you and your people so give us a human story.

Don’t mention that word “apartheid” and “occupation”.

This is not political.

You have to help me as a journalist to help you tell your story which is not a political story.

Today, my body was a TV’d massacre.

How about you give us a story of a woman in Gaza who needs medication?

How about you?

Do you have enough bone-broken limbs to cover the sun?

Hand me over your dead and give me the list of their names in one thousand two hundred word limits.

Today, my body was a TV’d massacre that had to fit into sound-bites and word limits and move those that are desensitized to terrorist blood.

But they felt sorry.

They felt sorry for the cattle over Gaza.

So, I give them UN resolutions and statistics and we condemn and we deplore and we reject.

And these are not two equal sides: occupier and occupied.

And a hundred dead, two hundred dead, and a thousand dead.

And between that, war crime and massacre, I vent out words and smile “not exotic”, “not terrorist”.

And I recount, I recount a hundred dead, a thousand dead.

Is anyone out there?

Will anyone listen?

I wish I could wail over their bodies.

I wish I could just run barefoot in every refugee camp and hold every child, cover their ears so they wouldn’t have to hear the sound of bombing for the rest of their life the way I do.

Today, my body was a TV’d massacre

And let me just tell you, there’s nothing your UN resolutions have ever done about this.

And no sound-bite, no sound-bite I come up with, no matter how good my English gets, no sound-bite, no sound-bite, no sound-bite, no sound-bite will bring them back to life.

No sound-bite will fix this.

We teach life, sir.

We teach life, sir.

We Palestinians wake up every morning to teach the rest of the world life, sir."

Tears down my cheek while I'm watching and listening to it.

I know that all of you have many and different opinion regarding to this issue. I wont be offended by that. But, let me talk about humanity. Does ending one's life without a proper reason is the right thing? Does it right to take over other people's possession without the owner's permission? If you have that sense of humanity, and yes I bet all human have that humanity.

Bye and take care. xoxo

One Day Ustajah

Assalamualaikum and hai

Macam mana nak eja nama ustazah ni? - Naqib
Amboi, bertuah nama dapat duk kat "NAMA GURU" tu haha

Today is a "being-called-ustazah" day. Haahahaha what a funny and unexpected experience today. Tak pasal-pasal kena jadi ustajah. 

The real story is,my lecturer was searching for facilitators for Kem Bestari Solat at SK Gambang last Wednesday I guess.Sk Gambang tu dekat je dengan cfs. So, I got that offer, and hmmm why not release stress melayan kanak-kanak yang comel. Then I decided to join as a facilitator together with about 30 others including one of my roommate, Fadzilah.

Teringat je, nak gelak pun hado. Honestly, I'm not good in handling kids especially with age 3 and above. Kalau infants or toddlers tu, ada lah sikit skil tu heh.

Okay, sampai,bahagi kumpulan and duduk kumpulan masing-masing. We, the facilitators supposed to explain, tanya-tanya and tasmik with them the things regarding to wudhu and solat. I got a group of 12 that in Darjah 2.

The thing is, budak-budak ni, subhanallah banyak cakap, banyak tanya, banyak kerenah. Too many question being asked sampai aku rasa emmm 

Bila dah start, cakap-cakap, then "Ustazah, bila kita nak tulis ni?" sambil semua bawak keluar buku tulis and buku teks.

Bila nak start boleh tulis, "Ustazah, kena selang ke?" "Ustazah,tulis mula belakang ke depan?" "Ustazah, tajuk apa ni?" "Ustazah, hari ni hari apa, berapa hari bulan?"

Bila tengah menulis, "Ustazah, yang ni kena tulis jugak ke?" sebab dah banyak menulis, dah bosan, *tadi mintak nak tulis sangat,amik ko haaa

Bila dah tanya pukul berapa rehat and balik, "Ustazah, dah pukul berapa?" pastu semua duk baca jam kat dalam kelas tu.

"Ustazah, bila nak gi surau ni, nak solat" in the middle of 12 tengah hari *ustajah geleng kepala*

Budak-budak tu dah la cenonet, banyak cakap pulak tu. Honestly, it was uncontrollable. Ustajah tengah cakap kat depan, tiba-tiba ada yang duk kejar-kejar kat belakang. Kawan jalan tepi kelas pun dia tegur. Tahap keaktifan tu tahap maksima. 

Then, belajar how to take wudhu, solat, niat solat, etc. Kalau yang dah pandai tu, nampak sangat muka boring tunggu kawan-kawan yang tengah nak belajar. 

group yang suka sangat nak tulis. semua benda mintak nak tulis.

cikgu, kenapa nak ambik gambar kita? - Haqimi (the only one that called me 'cikgu')

Soalan last diorang tanya,

"Ustazah, minggu depan ustazah datang lagi ke?" "Tak awak, ustazah datang hari ni je"

Lepas tu semua senyap...

Mumbling.

Assalamualaikum and haii all

A not-so-lucky week. Things just dont go well for me in these 2 weeks. Got fever and its package (flu, headache,sakit badan). Nasib baik tak batuk Alhamdulillah if not, I'll menyusahkan orang lain dengan dont-disturb-me-i-am-pissed-off-with-everything face.

And the things is, I've got may things have to be done last week and this week. Yesterday (Saturday) I had Biology test. Can you imagine how I struggled to study Biology with my terrible condition and sampai satu tahap rasa macam dah lupa apa yang dah baca haha sebab sakit kepala. On that day, I just tawakkal to Allah that semuanya akan berjalan lancar. Anndd the test was not too okay, pada akulah, it was really bad (insert nangis emoticon).

Next week will gonna be another tough week. I have Math quiz on Thursday which is I'm still blur with that analytic trigonometry things. And tomorrow I have to submit introduction draft for my research and I've been done nothing on it. Yet I still open my laptop and membebel kat sini, kan? Nampak tak kat situ. Have to submit tutorial on tomorrow morning and few other thing had to be done.

It's getting hotter right these day plus the sunstroke. mbSebab tu kena demam. My body cepat detect perubahan cuaca, I'll the first one that probably akan dapat penyakit since antibody lemah. It will be worse if I'm in the middle of stress. I'll be tanak bangun, tanak cakap dah macam ada depression.

Anyway, when I'm ill it is He who cures me. Sakit tu, Allah nak hapus dosa. Sedarlah bahawasanya dosa tu banyak. Why nak rasa serabut? just do apa yang termampu,insyaAllah Allah mudahkan. Takde motif membebel kat sini nak bagi tahu semua orang. But at least feel relieved laaa

Done with the mumbling. Pray for your and my good health. Amin. Bye

We will never know our destiny unless you are know what you are doing now.

Assalamualaikum and haiii


When you are in the situation being in depression.. Feel like everything dont go well.  

Check our hati. Our heart. Are we close enough to our Creator? Are our ibadah before and now is sufficient enough to get close to Him? Check balik because only we know how our heart is.

If we had been doing the ibadah, compulsory and sunnah but we still
rasa tak tenang,asyik stress and depressed je,rasa kosong je. Then,we should do something about it.

Maybe reciting the Quran 1 page a day is not enough. Maybe solat awal waktu is not enough,maybe time solat tu fikirkan assignment and homework. Maybe solat sunat hajat lepas maghrib not enough,maybe kena buat solat rawatib and solat malam. Maybe cover your aurah is not enough,maybe hati tu selalu je umpat orang jalan depan kita. Maybe after solat, tak sempat wirid doa dah blah,maybe you should take your time to wirid and dua to Him. Dua like you mean it. Maybe maybe maybe there is a lot of problem sampai tak tahu nak tulis apa.

Tak cakap kat orang. Cakap kat sendiri je.

For me,its okay bila you fikir you ni tak lah baik sangat. At least you sedar you ada kekurangan and you should do something to improve yourself. Changing is better when you do it sikit sikit dulu lama lama jadi elok. Keep trying to be a better person and insya Allah in the process, youll meet many people that show you how to be a good servant to your Creator. Effort tu yang penting. I will not regret as I try my best. Yang penting Dia tahu kita dah usaha. Berkat is the most important thing.


"Rugilah kalau tak jadi doktor"
"Asalkan berTUHAN, apa nak risau"

Im sorry ummi, abah.
Doakan achik.


Bye chuolls.. kiss and hug.

Just Once.

Just once.

Let me cry my heart out.

And I'll pick up the mess, including myself and start over again.

2014

Assalamualaikum and Hi.

There were many things that I regretted in 2014. My choices and my decisions on certain things seem to be not the one that I supposed to do. I struggled, I wronged, I fell, I confused, I fail.

The worst feeling I ever faced. Rasanya sampai sekarang tak leh nak move on lagi. Sometimes, things just dont walk through the way you want. And yeah, without proper planning and thinking, memang akan crashed lah bila kena hempap dengan realiti.

I just masuk sem baru and just got the chance to open up my blog, do a little blogwalking. Since duduk kat rumah dalam 3 bulan lepas, memang rasa macam nak quit blogging je haha. Sebab rumah takde  internet connection yang cun. And baru sedar a lot of things that I read hit me on head, hardly. It was like, "Apa ni?! Semua entry yang aku baca dalam semua blog ni buat aku sentap je". And I was realised that nothing is perfect in this world. My self esteem seem to be on the lowest level. Aku asyik fikir yang orang lain lebih baik dari aku. Semua orang lebih bagus dari aku. And at last, memang jatuh gedebuk. Aku gagal. Aku gagal untuk buat semua benda dengan baik.

And baru je tadi terbukak blog DenaBahrin, terbaca her latest entry, it was on 2013 though, this (pernah baca entry ni tapi tak ingat). And and and tadi baru je kawan ada share cerita benar relate on that topic. and I was like, "Ya Allah, feel sangat benda tu, tertusuk kat hati you, sentap sangat". Aku baru gagal sekali, dah meroyan, dah rasa macam tak nak hidup, dah rasa macam fed up dengan semua benda. Aku tak yakin dengan kerja Allah.

I felt its hard when you want wake up, make up for your mess. Yeah, it was the real hard. Even Im fighting hard right now, especially my heart. Susah nak bangun, hati ni kejap je semangat, then down balik.

Realiti tetap realiti. Whatever the reality is, I had to face it. kadang-kadang rasa, should I give up on this dream and make a new one? Since it was not going so well.

Hmm rasa macam dah lari tajuk. Oh well, that was my sum up of 2014, I guess. Welcoming the 2015 with more grateful feeling. A haa lapuklah baru buat entry new year.

Just a piece of my deep down to heart feeling eherher