Lost and Found

I am feeling that I am slowly start to lose myself. I dont know but I feel like I am not myself right now. I am feeling like me right now is shaped by peoples and things around me, it is the environment surround me that influenced me so much without any control or limit. I study because that is my purpose here, in an educational institute. I read because other people around me also read, I do enjoy reading but sometimes it just talks of mine, not actually doing the reading and I do struggles at times in reading. I do sports also but it is also because of human being.

Honestly I really hate to write or talk about my flaws. I have such big ego that is hard for me to accept my flaws. Thus, it is hard for me too, to mend all the mistakes and wrong things about me. It has being my everyday struggles to cope with this thing. I feel like I lose myself bit by bit. And it worsen day to day

It also shows that I am slowly far from Him. Most of times, I avoid to do reflection as I know it is all my fault for not being a good human being in serving Him. And my dependence of all things has been on humans. I expects a lot from human instead of Him. I crave love and attention from human, I work very hard to satisfy human and to fit in among human, without realizing that I should give everything and crave everything is for and from Him. That shows how shallow my mindset and principle. I dont do tawakkal nor effort, even easily giving up things is just a norm lately. Gratitude and patience also rarely comes to me in many occasion.

Realizing that, and I keep on making the struggles harder for me. Finding my purpose in this life in order to find myself is damn hard. O Allah, I do seek your guide and grant me gratitude and patience in order to go back to You. I really hope that by writing this here and pour everything in my sujood give an ease at my heart at least. O Allah, all I wanna to is to be a good human being striving to be a better me day by day. I know if this is the best thing to be happened upon me, You know the best. Wallahualam.


x.

It is just me? *not a new year entry lols*

Assalamualaikum..

You know it is hard to be a person with low confidence level. I would rather doubt with everything that comes out from my mouth. Especially when I'm talking about myself. "I am a bla bla person. And I dont like bla bla bla and I also love to bla bla ". Then later I would regret what I spoke earlier. Cakap and bebel sorang-sorang, "asal doh aku cakap macam tu", "Kenapa aku cakap camtu tadi", "What the hell of ayat aku bagi tadi". Salah susun ayat lah, guna perkataan tak betul lah, sampaikan kadang-kadang aku rewind flashback balik apa yang aku cakap tu dan cringed and goosebump all over my body. Selalu tanya diri sendir why I'm being like this. Low self-esteem? or being an introvert, open up myself and talk about myself (brag or talk bad) are not the preferable one. I dont like to expose myself to others. But sometimes I had this feeling to share things about me like, "hey, dulu I was bla bla bla", "I like to bla bla" you know, like talking about yourself to your friend. Ironically, bila dah buat then being insecure balik. Asal doh dengan aku ni? Penyakit apa tah.

Same goes when replying messages either on SNS or Whatsapp. I would retyping over and over again before click on send button. Too insecure when constructing the sentences lol. I dont know what causing this thing but this is one of my complex as human being. Yaaa as I said, maybe it caused by my low self esteem or maybe I just not good with words. I guess as I rarely socialize, talking to people and I fail to communicate well. I dont know if it only me. Or everyone in this world is experiencing the same thing?? Then I'm saved kahkah. And me voicing out this thing here also make me look like an immature girl right now huh. Or is this because I'm a girl? Are those girl out there had this kind of thing too?? Are they?? Nahh I think it is just me. Maybe my life fated to be hambar like this *nangis tepi bucu katil*

I would say that I'm usually not good with words. Expressing myself is too mainstream thus I choose to just follow the flow. I admit that I have that hati kering which I dont easily moved or emotionally triggered. Orang kata takdak perasaan and lack of common senses kah. I know that this is not a good thing to be practised but it is in me for 21 years already and I'm seriously trying very hard to fix it. Old habit die hard. To those points where I just googled, "how to have confident in myself", "how to speak well". Penatlah jadi seorang amni, konflik dalaman tak sudah haih

And I will have too much regret after publishing this post lol

But at least taklah serabut dalam kepala *but this is not cool meh*

Of contaminated tissue culture

Assalamualaikum and Hi all...

Last September, we were having a lab session on tissue culture subject. We were required to do a seed-surface sterilization and in vitro culture of chilli seed where you had to establish an aseptic condition in laminar air flow, a place that looks like a cabinet or closet where you have to sterilize all the equipment to be used inside it even your hand that will be going to work in it ! And you have to sterilize all those things with alcohol such as ethanol. Swab the all those flask and beakers anddd your hand with the ethanol. Oh aseptic condition is a microorganisms-free environment means all those foreign things like bacteria fungi cannot infect the tissue culture work. Yeah I remember all those definitions of the tissue culture's terms! You know, we have to memorize and understand the terms (mostly new to me) that being used in tissue culture world and dua kali ditanya soalan definition of "habituation", dua kali jugak aku salah duhhh. This is an example when man (read:amni) didnt learn from mistake uhh. 

We have to be extra extra careful when working inside the laminar air flow cabinet. Make sure that you sterilize well, dont speak while work under the cabinet, seriously DO NOT SPEAK because you know your mouth contains lots of undesired microbes haha. If you take out your hand from the laminar air flow, you have to swab them back with ethanol bila nak masuk dalam tu balik. It needs lots lots lots of patience mann. If dont do it properly, the culture will be contaminated. And I had been given chance to do the culture of chilli seed andnn guess what? Both jar that I did were contaminated faceplam  WHATTTT. I dont know what are the causes but Dr said it is normal since it was my first time doing the tissue culture lab. But duhhh why Amni why ?? I messep up my group's lab result lol. Dr said it is normal to fail since that was my first doing this tissue culture lab.

When you are having extra creative group member, cara diorang menganjing aku buat lab tissue culture pastu contaminated, letak picture of my contaminated culture as whatsapp's group icon. Aku perati je korang ni heh

of morning coffee

Assalamualaikum and morning guys

This morning, wake up with the chill all over my body. Lately, the weather become more humid biasanya kalau all day long will be mendung and hujan and it is indicating that the monsoon will soon arrive. Plus I'm staying at Pantai Timur region.

Bangun pagi tadi dengan perasaan seribu penyesalan dalam hati cursing diri sendiri whyyyyy kenapa aku tak study malam tadi? malam tadi aku buat apa? aku tak start study apa apa lagi ni . Hmm tu lah. I am supposed to start revising on Ethics and Fiqh for Everyday Life subject since the exam will be on Monday. Well, biasalah kita hanya merancang puihhh. I end up with doing othing and sleep early last night. Bravo Amni, bravo. Then, jump up from the cozy bed, go to shower and make breakfast. Tadaa weekend breakfast.

coffee for breakfast is a wajibun untuk seorang amni

and a muffin from last night dinner leftover lol

Usually on weekdays only manage to make a cup of coffee since class start at 8 am everyday. Kadang-kadang tak sempat makan apa apa then, between class at 10 am baru breakfast.

And there was a calling at my department whatsapp group for everyone with free time to go to the Glasshouse to settle some works. But sorry  my program manager, rasa bersalah tak study malam tadi lagi menghantui huhu petang later I pergi yee

I have to begin my revision on this Ethics and Fiqh subject lol Kau buat apa menulis kat sini lagi ni ameni hah

of lab reports and rants

Assalamualaikum

Thinking that, "Yes, Im going to open my blog and do some blogging !" Then you have to know that I am in the middle of the struggle. This week technically is going to be the hardest one. Today baru je Tuesday but I feel like I have done works much for a week. Finishing result for tissue culture lab, collecting observation for tissue culture lab and physiology lab, dividing parts between group member for reproductive and polyploidy lab. And those things I've been mentioned were LAB. Too many to handle, four lab report have to be submitted on this Friday. And waiting for me, a midterm exam on Thursday and also an assignment on Friday and more to come the next week.

And I just got back from a field trip, to Larut Matang Perak and did some hiking at Bukit Larut. My body has been ached everywhere, tak hilang lagi sakitnya pastu kena berperang dengan those assignments and lab report sigh sigh sigh. And plus, having some emotional problem (I somehow involve in it and kinda have to solve it) but I decide to ignore it because tak muat dah nak letak kat mana dalam kepala ni. Pandai-pandai lah korang yang terlibat tu settle eh, semua dah besar kan. I cannot make everyone happy okay, I'm not pizza. But I'm hoping for the best to you guys k.

My field trip was a great one although I have to sacrifice my mid semester break (the field was on hujung midsem break). Balik rumah empat hari je weh setelah tiga bulan tak balik. But anything for you, my CGPA babeh tangan atas bahu mata tengok atas. Planning to do some blogging about the field trip but my phone's camera just broken down at that time and most of pics taken at Bukit Larut were goneeeee. Repeat. goonnneeeee. Rasa macam nak nangis je tsk tsk. Hate chu phone.

And that broken phone camera almost make nangis tak berlagu. All those observation for  my tissue culture lab (where we have to observe the germination of chilli seed)  and physiology lab ( we have to observe the growth of chilli plant) were captured by my phone. Seharian cari jalan macam mana nak get those pics again. Nasib baik boleh recover file. And I was bajet-bajet jadi IT genius dapat jumpa those lost and deleted pics. Kalau tak, akan jadi big disadvantage for my lab group fuhh.

And I think I really have to stop here. Have to get back to my lab reports hewhew. kbye

Last Semester Break Guys !

Assalamualaikum and Hai peeps !

It's been a looong time since my last update. I already leaving home for the new semester. Been here in Kuantan since Friday and will have the first class session for this semester tomorrow. I have been struggling too much nak kutip semangat since arriving here *sigh* . Since I'd been enjoying my semester break too much tak ingat dunia kikiki

Orait. Dah habeh dah vocab nak taip dalam bahasa omputih.

Cuti semester yang panjang, campur tolak 3 bulan di rumah adalah satu kebahagiaan yang tak terungkap. It was amazing. Yep. Amazing. Had chance to do lots of activities. Highlight for my semester break is, a lot of gathering with highschool mates. Of course, friends that you made in high school is gonna be your bestfriend for life. Haritu start cuti awal bulan puasa since my last paper was on 2nd June. First gathering was in Ramadhan, had ifthar jama'ie with my classmates in 5 Alpha. It a bless to meet them all after dah lama tak tengok muka memasing. Ada yang tak berubah dari dulu dan ada yang lain dari dulu. It was so fun, semua orang kecoh nak update pasal diri masing-masing. We had ifthar, borak-borak then sambung lagi borak-borak in makan colek session sampai pukul 12 tengah malam baru sampai rumah. Layankan aje yang nak pi makan colek haih. Thanks Dinie and Meso berbesar hati datang amik kat rumah dan hantar aku balik kikiki.

The Alphanian. Most of us was there.

Pastu celebrate the Eid kat rumah which was like heaven for me. Then lepas Eid, berpeluang untuk gather with my girlfriends. Since semua orang tengah cuti, susah benor nak ada timing cuti sama. so, apa lagi, sakan kami hang out whenever have time.

First one, went to Pantai Nami which is located at Pantai Senak. I guess many of you know this place, got its name because the landscape resemble the one at Nami Island in South Korea (little fact about this place). Anyway, this is the first time aku jejak kaki kat sana, well being jakun is soo me. The trees were planted in line and its view was spectacular except banyak sampah lah kat sana. Mungkin sebab too much people visit then buang sampah merata, typical Malaysian I guess buang sampah dengan betul pun tak gheti

I love this pic. Everyone look so tall. Optical illusion guys.

And being a photographer be like

Then, tak sah lah kalau tak pi melepak kat tempat lepak official kami, Pantai Irama. Yang ni pun tak cukup korum. Hanya kami berlima.

"Alaaa saya duk depan mesti muka besor nanti" Ayat wajib orang yang kena tekan shutter camera.

Ais krim legend.

Susah maa mau jumpa ini gadis. After a long time fuhh

Then, there you go kami makan-makan while celebrating Bazilah's birthday ! And get back with Fadlina jsut finish her second year medical school, baru balik dari Egypt.

Spending time at Aeon Mall. Biasalah, we were yang paling bising hahaha

Disclaimer : I dunt really eat mushroom

Me trying to make testimoni for the wide lens using my legs. It's really wide guys. My posed leg come out nicely.

The One when I Just Being Myself

I learned that I'm sucks in sharing my problem and complains to other people. 

People told me, often, that I'm rarely share my problem to other people. "Do you ever have problems or difficulties in your life?" Sounds like this, their words to me. Haha. Mannn, I'm a human being too, just like you. Of course there are times when I'm upset, annoyyed, nak marah orang, rasa macam nak flip the table. But mostly I failed to express it or talk about it. Because.... emmm , I just dont know why. I forgot about it, orrr wait, I keep on forgetting the things in the past. Am I having short-term memory problem? Ermmm

This is I want to tell you. From my perspective, yaa I do admit that I often forgot things, even I forgot what I felt. The true thing is, I totally easily get distracted. By anything. Contoh, tengah serabut stress annoyed with something sorang-sorang. Then, came my friend buat lawak share something funny huha huha gelak. At that time, terus lupa about the things that troubled me earlier. Thats it.  Mudah terhibur,you can say.  Malam sebelumnya, some of my classmate really annoyed me, feel like nak cepukk je each of them. But the day after, aku gelak jugak diorang buat lawak dalam kelas. Having problems tu wajib, we are humans. But I tend not to -share with others, mostly. Not because I dont trust them, but I dont feel like to share. Kadang-kadang bendanya too personal, maybe between me and Him only. But things that needed to be shared, of course I will share with my close friend and family. And being as the center of attention is totally not my thing. People giving their attention to me? Oh noo, its feeling weird, I will be, extremely maluu and say, "no need to do this to me!" I'm sorry,that introvert thing is going strong haha.

And I am totally fine being like this. Penat doe nak rasa sakit hati marah-marah orang. Handling problems according to your emotion, you will end up penat, physically and mentally. Having a positive mind is a bless I can say. Because everyone has their own reason,on why they are doing something. Tak berkenan, try being in his or her shoes. Trying to be empathy but not too much. Being too kind can also harm you. People tend to take advantage on you. Be kind and firm.

Some people are having trouble when dealing with me. While I'm just being myself there hehe. Should I be sorry for being myself? err. 

I learned that you cant wait people to go to you and ask, "Are you okay?" . Everyone is busy with their own life thus they obviously cant make their time to take care of your problem and emotion. So, things need to be done, have to be done. 

People also say I am cool. Oh mannn. Weaaalyyy?? Meh sini, *hugs*

how are you girls?

1:30 AM

The midnight. I would feel most motivated during this time. When the silence come and all I can feel is the cold wind enter my room from my opened window. This is the time that I always generate ideas to write and philosophizing. Or maybe planning for my future kahkah.

This is also the time when I miss those who were,still and will be forever dearest to me.

My girlfriends.

I would be sighing and regretting. Scolding myself that I have been abandoning them. I rarely catching up with them since I started my university life. Well, everyone experiences this. After graduating high school, everyone is going to different path, pursuing own's dream. And we got rarely talk to each other. The only time that we 'bising-bising' only in special occasion. New Year, someone's birthday, the Eids. Everyone is busy with their own life. It cant be avoid as we are doing different things now. Gathering also could be hard. It is hardly to have the same holiday time because everyone is staying at different places.

Time midnight like this lah buat aku teringat kat mereka-mereka. Are they still remember me as their friend? Are they still remember the things that we did together? All those crazy things that we have done. How I miss them.

Wondering how they are doing right now. Are they doing alright now? They must be happy now. Kalau ada masalah, for sure, they will have someone to lean on. They will have their happy days. Enjoying their lives as much as they can. It is just me that always looking back at the old time.

Not a disappointment. Not a betrayal that I feel. But a real happiness from deep inside my heart.

And how I feel bad because I rarely contact the girls. Selalu lupa semua orang punya birthday, then terlepas that moment. Time ni lah yang aku nak marah kat diri sendiri.

I wish they dont read this muahaha. xoxo

9 years and counting. 10 years and counting.

it is never too late.

As someone who are dear to me said,
" it is never too late to start again "

Well, it affects me, so much. When I was finding myself, she give me this quote. It was suddenly make me realize that I'd lost my dear self to another me that built from my negative thinking. I forgot how I was optimist back then. It's make me realize that I shouldnt give up and I have to make it up again.

Whenever I am doing things, I never forget that there will be another chance if I fail the first chance. Like the saying, dont worry if your plan A is failed, there are 25 more alphabet for you to try. But it doesnt mean that I dont have to do my best at the first try. Definitely I have to try my very best to do anything but this saying told me, the 'hope' is there if you dont success in the first try. It will avoid myself from being pessimist and heart broken.

It's fascinating when one's simple word can change my life. Even the most cliche one.

Dilemma of a Blogger and Instagrammer

I am often in confusing whenever I want to post or share something. Pening! Nak share kat instagram ke blog?

Me everytime :

Okay, lemme take a pic of this ,wanna share on instagram. Then bila taip caption, alamakk panjang la pulak, better buat entry baru kat blog, taklah bersawang je blog tu.

Then, bila nak taip kat blog, emmmm macam tak best je, pendek sangat tak worth an entry pun. And sometime, idea nak tulis caption kat ig tu mencurah-curah tapi bila nak menaip entry kat blog terus blank idea hilang terbang.

Eventually, I did not post or share on both haha. This is just a waste making myself pening choosing between those two. I dont know whether other people experience this but I am seriously having problem with this.

Aih susah-susah. Last last neither ig nor blog yang active. Dua dua bersawang.

Susahnya jadi seorang amni. Selalu buat kepala sendiri pusing.

This entry too. Was confused nak post kat instagram ke blog? But most people dont know I own a blog, so not gonna share this in instagram teehee

It is New Year everybodyyyhhh

How my new year's eve looks alike,

Hell yeah.

Sneaking from my study time to go online for a second and update my blog. 

Because

Its NEW YEAR GUYSSSSSSSSSSSSSS !!!

Ha ha happy new year guys.

Now come the cliché new year speech,

Happy New Year all.  May the new year being a bless for everyone. May all of you be happy in this year. 2015 has been the year I'd my most ups and downs but its been a good year overall. May the upcoming year brings greater things, more milestones to reach and just all of life's goodness. Alhamdulillah for the great things that had happened throughout the year. Wishing you and your family a wonderful,better, stronger year ahead. My resolution for this new year : bla bla bla

Kayyy Done. that speech I took from a few instagram updates muahahaha. And more to come toward the new year's eve. Overall everyone talking about being grateful for 2015. So, there is me copying and pasting. 

How about me? Sorry couldnt manage to make any speech because I am busy right. busy. yupp, I am busy right now. lol joking 

Yepp, I am actually struggling with final exam right now. Will have a biochemistry paper to be answered on 2nd January. Takde masa nak fikir pasal tahun baru huaaaa sedih tol hidup aku. Tapi takpe ramai lagi yang senasib. Be strong guys brace it!

Tahun baru, azam baru. Cepat-cepat listkan azam baru semua then tepek kat peti ais ye.

How was my 2015? Nantilah kita story. 

Kbye. Happy New Year. again. 

#152211

When you feel the deepest humbleness. When someone is asking about something that you don’t feel like to talk about.You just want to avoid everyone at those  time. I don’t know somehow now I've been developing a phobia being in crowd. I don’t have any idea why. I just afraid to face people, talk to them, being ask about my whereabouts.  Whenever being with peoples, I feel the nervousness and my words sound scattered not clearly uttered. I lost my confidence to utter the words. My mouth freezes. Maybe because of the humbleness ? Being in my situations and story, I don’t know whether people will understand me. But I some what don’t need their attention to understand me. When being out there, I feel like I'm being  judged as a unfortunate person. I feel people sympathize me whenever I told my story to them. This is the reason why I tend to lie when people ask about myself. I am not always please with the sympathy that they give me. I wish people would stop showing their sympathy to me. Instead of that, I wish they would not comment anything about me. Just leave me struggling to pick the pieces of me that was scattered  to move forward. Stop sympathizing me instead I wish they pray for God so that He give some strength to face all of those thing that happen in my life. Because when you being in the "down" part of you life, you will feel the worst feeling ever. I found it was so hard to accept the reality. The truth hurts me. I don’t know la but maybe it is just my perception to them. My paranoid thinking about them. Because my head sometime filled with those bad thinking. Then, my mind full uncertainties. I am not sure whether I will manage to stand up again. My spirit and motivation just fragile, easy to break whenever I feel like I cant do this anymore. 

But I somehow trying the very hard to keep awake and standstill on my feet although I know it is not easy.

another randomness huh

Dia memang.

Kalau time esok or lusa ada exam,

Memang dia menggatal nak buat benda lain,

Bukak blogger dashboard lah,

Tiba-tiba nak blogwalking lah,

Tiba-tiba ada idea nak update blog.

Tiba-tiba nak google pasal pokok yang baru jumpa kat kebun tadi lah,

Tiba-tiba nak kemas bilik lah.

Memang.

Dah lama dah aku kenal.

Tak ubah-ubah.

Susah nak ubah ni.

Sebab tak dak strong will.

Mohon kuat.

kbye.

What my table look like just now.

Greatest gratitude.

Throughout my life, as a twenty-year-old-lady, I have met a lot people. Macam-macam jenis orang aku pernah jumpa.

Orang yang aku annoyed dengan dia.
Orang yang aku rasa tak masuk dengan aku.
Orang yang baik, sangat baik dengan aku.
Orang yang hebat, sangat hebat dari aku.
Orang yang inspiring aku.
Orang yang aku belajar what is wrong and what is right through their behaviour.
Orang yang aku bagi bad first impression kat dia.
Orang yang buat aku balik ke pangkal jalan.

Contoh, aku pernah jumpa yang hebat, sangat hebat. They have the best self management, high motivation, best job, best education and semua tip-top lah. And they are close to me, like belajar dalam course sama, buat benda sama. Dorang ni tersangatlah hebat sampai aku fikir, kenapa mereka-mereka ni berada di sini, among us, sama dengan aku, kat tempat yang aku boleh kata not a good one la. I mean, they shouldnt be here, they should be in better place than here. Sampai tak boleh nak brain why they are here.

Same goes bila aku jumpa orang yang tak sama preferences dengan aku. Aku annoyed with them, complain all things about them, ngumpat belakang dorang. Sebab semua benda aku dengan dorang tak sama. Pemikiran tak sama, the way we express ourself tak sama, behavior pun tak sama. So, often berselisih pendapat. Kenapalah mereka-mereka ni tak duduk bawah satu bumbung dengan mereka-mereka yang have the same preferences with each other?

And I have met the kindest human being. They are kind of yang put other first, then baru diri mereka sendiri. Oh My God, tersangatlah saint sampai consider orang lain dulu than diri sendiri. Their life full with act of kindness. Semua orang nak tolong, while tolong orang tu pun they even tak rasa terbeban pun. Aku kadang-kadang kalau nak tolong orang tu, fikir banyak kali dulu baru decide nak tolong.

And I walk and walk and walk, then think and think and think. Barulah realize all those human beings that exist in my life are giving me something, showing me something and teaching me something. So that I can get something, see something and learn something in life. Because they, secara tidak sengaja are our life.

I learn to do kindness from kind people, I get to know what is wrong and what is right to do when I act, I learn how to behave, I learn to be considerate and patient with the people that annoyed me, I learn to get motivated from those great people. Annnddd I learn that all the people around me are giving me something that I can use to live as complete human being with good virtue. And of course, they surely show or give me things, even just simple things.

Aku sedar dari manusia-manusia inilah aku belajar. From the smallest to the biggest. The most important part is, I learn how to be grateful, really really grateful yang manusia-manusia ni ada dalam hidup aku. Jangan fikir nak cari dia punya buruk je. everyone is unique in their own style. And bila aku jumpa manusia-manusia semua, aku akan pastikan aku belajar something dari orang tu, even perkara kecik-kecik je.

This is my greatest gratitude to y'all.

Terima kasih. Thank you. Grazias. Adios. xoxo

Hey guys

Guys, right now I feel like to write so hopefully I will finish this as soon as possible. Taklah tersimpan kat draft je kan. Thinking back, I already own this blog for about 6 years. Its all began in 2009 when I was in form 2. I started to blog in the age of 14 when we were asked to sign up a blog when studying ICT subject at school.

This thing was unintended at all. I was nerd, intimidate, introvert and what so on personality of a boring person. Haha. Tak menarik langsung hidup aku dulu. Eleh sekarang pun apa kurangnya.

Looking back, honestly I didnt make any significant improvement or whatsoever big changes since I started this blog. Semangat nak berblog tu turun naik turun naik kadang kadang tenggelam terus. Sometimes, I have a lot of things to write about but it ended I forgot all that things. Mostly, I get the impromptu and awesome (welll I can say it awesome) ideas during shower,ah well then totally lose them when I finish with the shower. Sia sia brainstorm time shower end up lupa.

I blog just because I want to. Its kind of fun to do this thing because it makes me think, think and think. It helps me express myself but when I do it, I do get a little attention and it was sooo awkward honestly. Sebab tu kalau nak publish something personally, fikir hundreds times dulu. Because I have the thing that I dont know what you called it but I called it attention-phobia. I do think attention is good because it helps to build your confidence but being a attention seeker is a big NO ahaa.

Its been 6 years, but why my published entries was so little? Because I deleted some of them. Why? Because some of them are the immature side of me. They were the past of me. Me in the past is the one that I dont want to get back, because I knew I lack so much back then. So, dont judge my past and know my present will be the best. It will, malu gila kot kalau korang baca entry entry lama dulu, zaman jahiliah dulu well tak nak , so by deleting them I boleh move on hahaha.

p/s : I'm soryy if my language kind of tunggang langgang. Jetlag tak habis lagi baru balik hostel naik bas tadi dari rumah.

Janji Si Tanggang.

Kita.

Kita manusia.

Kadang kadang saja nak menggedik.

Nak jadi Si Tanggang.

Bukan setakat kadang kadang, mungkin selalu.

Si Tanggang yang lupa akan asalnya.

Si Tanggang yang lupa akan janjinya.

Janjinya yang satu.

And [mention] when your Lord took from the children of Adam - from their loins - their descendants and made them testify of themselves, [saying to them], "Am I not your Lord?" They said, "Yes, we have testified." [This] - lest you should say on the day of Resurrection, "Indeed, we were of this unaware." (7 : 172)

“Dan (ingatlah), ketika Tuhanmu mengeluarkan keturunan anak-anak Adam dari sulbi mereka dan Allah mengambil kesaksian terhadap jiwa mereka (seraya berfirman) “Bukankah Aku ini Tuhanmu?” mereka menjawab, “Betul (Engkau Tuhan kami), kami menjadi saksi”. (Kami lakukan yang demikian itu) agar pada hari kiamat kamu tidak mengatakan, “Sesungguhnya kami (Bani Adam) adalah orang-orang yang lengah terhadap ini (keEsaan Tuhan)”. (7 : 172)

Acah acah MJ time pegi hiking pun boleh

Degree Life, ByeBye Home

I'd been mumbling and rumbling some of my thought and rumbles here but I forgot to update my current life that I'm living right? Haha. Kind of, I don’t know. Maybe I'm just doing good and there's nothing to be complained. Yaa like kalau ada complain baru membebel kat sini kan.

I'm starting my degree now. Having myself ready for another 4 years here and a lot of upcoming to be expected. So far my life is good. Oh yaa I'm adapting nicely here. New friends here and there and it suits me. I love this as I like to meet new people each day. It's been a month okay my degree life started. Fuhhh Alhamdulillah so far I'm surviving. 

Haha actually its kind of sad. Had 3 months honeymoon at home rasa macam tak nak start degree. No more things that I'd been done at home. And no more Hawai Five-0, Grey's Anatomy,CSI,NCIS, no more The Reagans! Oh myy I cannot move on from that. Dah hari-hari layan Blue Blood dah overly attached dengan The Reagans. Okayy all I've been watching is AXN. Dah takde channel lain haha.

So, forget about that and pray hard so that I will have a great time here. A lot of new things and its kind of unexpected some time.

And to all my friend yang just walk into degree life, mohler kita sama sama enjoy it as much as we can. Good Luck y'all.

A recently decent(sebab yang lain tak senonoh) picture of mine at my Kuliyyah . Finally managed to snap a pic there.

Falling.

There was once in your life, you fall and hit rock bottom. You hurt. A lot. Like  a deep cut with nonstop bleeding. And seem that you cant find the way out of it. You cant think the solution anymore. You thought that no one can help you. You though it was your fault. Your confidence scattered. Your self esteem hit the bottom.

I was,once in that situation, recently. And it hit me hard. I cant think of any way that can solve it. I cry, cry and cry. Almost everyday. Thinking what is happening to me. Trying to figure out why this happen to me. Was it my fault for not doing my best? Was it already being written as my destiny?
Was it? And too many was it

Trying to get back on the right track is easier said than done. I've done everything that I could. I tried this and that. Make me did a lot of thinking.

But all I had gone through were nothing but true experience. The experience that taught me a lot of thing. Proved to me that our life is like a roller coaster. Taught me who are the person in me.

Forget all the bad things and start anew.

 *This post is the old one, just decide to publish it hee

Paranoia.

I know the are many wrongdoings of me. I know I have been wrong to people. And I know it all about my attitude. 

Honestly, I don’t know myself. Back to people how they view me. I know there are people who had bad impression of me and I know some people had good impression to me.

 Life kind of hard because we care too much on how people think of us right? I don’t know why I'm taking this thing seriously, well, ermm not so seriously but whenever I'm thinking to do some things, I tend to imagine what will people think of my acts.

I don’t know why but maybe it is because of my paranoia? Many said that don’t care of what people talking about you as you are living your dream, not theirs. 

Honestly, for me it is the hardest thing I have to do. It is hard to ignore people's words.

Hurt.

Paling sedih, when now, you just realize that something is actually so much precious to you when it already gone. Too much regret in me. But I know regretting something tak ke mana mana jugak. 

Sometime it took times, yaa a lot of time for me to move on from regretting things. Even I have to lie to move forward. Lying that I'm okay and everything gonna be fine soon.

Sumpah, that thing memang susah and a lot of thoughts have to  be rationalized. 

But, when you lied and start to forget about it, you know that tomorrow will be different and better. Well, the past can hurt you, but you can either run from it or learn from it. 

Yet I know learn from the past is hurt, but that the way I see it.

This is hard meh.