#152211

When you feel the deepest humbleness. When someone is asking about something that you don’t feel like to talk about.You just want to avoid everyone at those  time. I don’t know somehow now I've been developing a phobia being in crowd. I don’t have any idea why. I just afraid to face people, talk to them, being ask about my whereabouts.  Whenever being with peoples, I feel the nervousness and my words sound scattered not clearly uttered. I lost my confidence to utter the words. My mouth freezes. Maybe because of the humbleness ? Being in my situations and story, I don’t know whether people will understand me. But I some what don’t need their attention to understand me. When being out there, I feel like I'm being  judged as a unfortunate person. I feel people sympathize me whenever I told my story to them. This is the reason why I tend to lie when people ask about myself. I am not always please with the sympathy that they give me. I wish people would stop showing their sympathy to me. Instead of that, I wish they would not comment anything about me. Just leave me struggling to pick the pieces of me that was scattered  to move forward. Stop sympathizing me instead I wish they pray for God so that He give some strength to face all of those thing that happen in my life. Because when you being in the "down" part of you life, you will feel the worst feeling ever. I found it was so hard to accept the reality. The truth hurts me. I don’t know la but maybe it is just my perception to them. My paranoid thinking about them. Because my head sometime filled with those bad thinking. Then, my mind full uncertainties. I am not sure whether I will manage to stand up again. My spirit and motivation just fragile, easy to break whenever I feel like I cant do this anymore. 

But I somehow trying the very hard to keep awake and standstill on my feet although I know it is not easy.

another randomness huh

Dia memang.

Kalau time esok or lusa ada exam,

Memang dia menggatal nak buat benda lain,

Bukak blogger dashboard lah,

Tiba-tiba nak blogwalking lah,

Tiba-tiba ada idea nak update blog.

Tiba-tiba nak google pasal pokok yang baru jumpa kat kebun tadi lah,

Tiba-tiba nak kemas bilik lah.

Memang.

Dah lama dah aku kenal.

Tak ubah-ubah.

Susah nak ubah ni.

Sebab tak dak strong will.

Mohon kuat.

kbye.

What my table look like just now.

Greatest gratitude.

Throughout my life, as a twenty-year-old-lady, I have met a lot people. Macam-macam jenis orang aku pernah jumpa.

Orang yang aku annoyed dengan dia.
Orang yang aku rasa tak masuk dengan aku.
Orang yang baik, sangat baik dengan aku.
Orang yang hebat, sangat hebat dari aku.
Orang yang inspiring aku.
Orang yang aku belajar what is wrong and what is right through their behaviour.
Orang yang aku bagi bad first impression kat dia.
Orang yang buat aku balik ke pangkal jalan.

Contoh, aku pernah jumpa yang hebat, sangat hebat. They have the best self management, high motivation, best job, best education and semua tip-top lah. And they are close to me, like belajar dalam course sama, buat benda sama. Dorang ni tersangatlah hebat sampai aku fikir, kenapa mereka-mereka ni berada di sini, among us, sama dengan aku, kat tempat yang aku boleh kata not a good one la. I mean, they shouldnt be here, they should be in better place than here. Sampai tak boleh nak brain why they are here.

Same goes bila aku jumpa orang yang tak sama preferences dengan aku. Aku annoyed with them, complain all things about them, ngumpat belakang dorang. Sebab semua benda aku dengan dorang tak sama. Pemikiran tak sama, the way we express ourself tak sama, behavior pun tak sama. So, often berselisih pendapat. Kenapalah mereka-mereka ni tak duduk bawah satu bumbung dengan mereka-mereka yang have the same preferences with each other?

And I have met the kindest human being. They are kind of yang put other first, then baru diri mereka sendiri. Oh My God, tersangatlah saint sampai consider orang lain dulu than diri sendiri. Their life full with act of kindness. Semua orang nak tolong, while tolong orang tu pun they even tak rasa terbeban pun. Aku kadang-kadang kalau nak tolong orang tu, fikir banyak kali dulu baru decide nak tolong.

And I walk and walk and walk, then think and think and think. Barulah realize all those human beings that exist in my life are giving me something, showing me something and teaching me something. So that I can get something, see something and learn something in life. Because they, secara tidak sengaja are our life.

I learn to do kindness from kind people, I get to know what is wrong and what is right to do when I act, I learn how to behave, I learn to be considerate and patient with the people that annoyed me, I learn to get motivated from those great people. Annnddd I learn that all the people around me are giving me something that I can use to live as complete human being with good virtue. And of course, they surely show or give me things, even just simple things.

Aku sedar dari manusia-manusia inilah aku belajar. From the smallest to the biggest. The most important part is, I learn how to be grateful, really really grateful yang manusia-manusia ni ada dalam hidup aku. Jangan fikir nak cari dia punya buruk je. everyone is unique in their own style. And bila aku jumpa manusia-manusia semua, aku akan pastikan aku belajar something dari orang tu, even perkara kecik-kecik je.

This is my greatest gratitude to y'all.

Terima kasih. Thank you. Grazias. Adios. xoxo

Hey guys

Guys, right now I feel like to write so hopefully I will finish this as soon as possible. Taklah tersimpan kat draft je kan. Thinking back, I already own this blog for about 6 years. Its all began in 2009 when I was in form 2. I started to blog in the age of 14 when we were asked to sign up a blog when studying ICT subject at school.

This thing was unintended at all. I was nerd, intimidate, introvert and what so on personality of a boring person. Haha. Tak menarik langsung hidup aku dulu. Eleh sekarang pun apa kurangnya.

Looking back, honestly I didnt make any significant improvement or whatsoever big changes since I started this blog. Semangat nak berblog tu turun naik turun naik kadang kadang tenggelam terus. Sometimes, I have a lot of things to write about but it ended I forgot all that things. Mostly, I get the impromptu and awesome (welll I can say it awesome) ideas during shower,ah well then totally lose them when I finish with the shower. Sia sia brainstorm time shower end up lupa.

I blog just because I want to. Its kind of fun to do this thing because it makes me think, think and think. It helps me express myself but when I do it, I do get a little attention and it was sooo awkward honestly. Sebab tu kalau nak publish something personally, fikir hundreds times dulu. Because I have the thing that I dont know what you called it but I called it attention-phobia. I do think attention is good because it helps to build your confidence but being a attention seeker is a big NO ahaa.

Its been 6 years, but why my published entries was so little? Because I deleted some of them. Why? Because some of them are the immature side of me. They were the past of me. Me in the past is the one that I dont want to get back, because I knew I lack so much back then. So, dont judge my past and know my present will be the best. It will, malu gila kot kalau korang baca entry entry lama dulu, zaman jahiliah dulu well tak nak , so by deleting them I boleh move on hahaha.

p/s : I'm soryy if my language kind of tunggang langgang. Jetlag tak habis lagi baru balik hostel naik bas tadi dari rumah.